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“God, I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like I’m trying to walk in the dark.”

Thankfully I’ve learned to habitually look at life’s uncertainties with excitement and wonder, viewing them as opportunities to see God’s matchless skills as a storyteller break through my confusion someday and amaze me. But the other day, using some quiet time on the road to think about life, I’d finally had it. I’d become so frustrated with the veil of uncertainty that lies over the future. I was tired of the doubts, the unknowns, my weaknesses…

I’d gotten sick of being in the dark, and I told God so.

The words were barely out of my mouth when a portion of Scripture that’s been ingrained in my mind for as long as I can remember came slowly into focus.

Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path. (Psalm 119:105)

Your word. A light to my path.

The exasperated complaints died on my lips as I considered this, wondering how much of my confusion was my own fault.

I make sure I have God’s word in front of me in some form every single day… whether that’s through reading, studying, or running memorized Scripture through my head – preferably all three. I’ve made that a habit because I know that God’s word is essential for me. But am I seeking it out with passion… truly seeking it out?

If I’m walking in a dark room I don’t know very well, I look for a good light source… unless I’m trying to let myself get creeped out, which isn’t often.:) I don’t just content myself with the moonlight slipping through the blinds, or the shreds of light filtering in from a distant room. I don’t just grope around my surroundings, stumping blindly around and hoping I don’t tear off a toe on a piece of furniture.

I seek out the light.

If that’s the case, then why do I grope my way through the shadows of life, bumping against obstacles in my path, crying inside with frustration when I hurt myself and can’t seem to find the right path?

I’ve got to seek out the light.

I’ve got to immerse myself in the truth of Scripture. Tuck it away in my memory. Blast it through my earbuds. Sing it. Pray it. Stop pitying myself because I can’t seem to find my way in a self-inflicted darkness. Instead, I need to open the floodgates of my soul to the light of God’s word.

I’ve got to seek out the light.

With passion.

Photo by Cathy Mü on Unsplash

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Happiest of Mondays, all!

Last week I was working to eliminate the unnecessary blog post drafts I had on my computer (think around 70!?!) and stumbled upon this piece I wrote last May. I published it on my other blog last year, but thought that – with an edit or two – it could stand to make an appearance here, as well.

Here it is.:)

Something I’ve been pondering lately is the reality of eternity, and how that reality needs to be shaping the way that I think and live. Here’s a question for all of us today:

How is the way we are living today impacting eternity?

It is so easy to get caught up in the lies the world feeds us: we deserve happiness and gratification now. We can do whatever we want with our minds, bodies, and lives and it doesn’t matter.

I’m telling you – and most of all, myself – that the way we live totally matters.

Totally.

It’s easy for me as a young person to think that I have a lot of time left to impact this world. This is possibly another lie. As I look at the lives of some of the people who have impacted me in the way that they lived or through the words that they spoke, sang, or wrote, I realize that these people were not given many years on this earth.

Jim Elliot was killed by men he was trying to save… at age 28.

Oswald Chambers died unexpectedly… at age 43.

Keith Green died in a plane crash… at age 28.

Rachel Scott was murdered at Columbine High School… at age 17.

Jesus Christ was crucified… at age 33. (He rose from the dead, by the way!!!)

Most of these people died unexpectedly, and the world would say tragically. But all of these people strove to use their time wisely and changed lives for the better. Is that a tragedy? I’ll tell you what is certainly a tragedy.

The death of someone who has failed to live with eternity in mind is undeniably a tragedy.

Will my death be a tragedy? Will yours?

Only one life, ’twill soon be past; only what’s done for Christ will last. – C.T. Studd

Each week I’m blessed to have several hours of time alone on the farm while I’m mixing feed. Most of that time I spend creating stories I’ll never finish, giving inspirational speeches, or belting musical numbers at the top of my lungs.

But sometimes I just think, and in the tractor today, a flood of thoughts started pouring in…

You need to stop looking forward all the time. You need to stop living for the future. In your relentless pursuit of what lies ahead, you’re going to plow through all of the opportunities, blessings, and joys that are crowding your life right now. You think that if you can only get to the end of this project, the start of the next season, the end of this trial, you’ll be on top of things, have your life all together, and truly be able to start pouring yourself out for God.

You’re wrong.

At the end of this project lies the beginning of a new one. With the start of the next season come new complications and the end of several things you love about this season. At the end of this trial awaits the arrival of a new one. It’s a vicious cycle you won’t escape… and if you keep living for tomorrow, you’ll someday reach a point where all your tomorrows are spent… and you’ll be left with a string of half-lived yesterdays.

So will you stop living in the shadows of your shredded plans and start living for God’s ultimate plan? Will you stop making your choices based on what you think is best and start making your choices based on what God says is best? Will you stop frittering away your precious days and start investing them in eternity?

You have this moment for just that – a moment.

Make it count.

Hello, peoples!

I have another flash fiction here today… but I’ll warn you, it’s another sad one. My sisters have been after me to write some cheerier pieces… and I intend to! But this isn’t one of those happier stories. Something about the prompts I received (seahorses, void, and cold) suggested something sad and reflective…

So here ’tis, in all it’s sad and reflective glory.:)

The air coming from the vents is blowing too hard and too cold. It always does when Mom drives, but she’s scared, and I don’t want to bother her.

Callie’s sleeping next to me, her thumb sliding out of her mouth. Her head is falling to the side, and it lands on my shoulder. She’s out. Completely out. Maybe she won’t notice if I borrow her blanket.

She doesn’t move as I slowly inch it off of her lap and onto mine. I grab big fistfuls of the fabric and pull it to my chin, looking down at the bright, happy-colored seahorses that dance on the blanket. Callie loves seahorses. She says she wants to be one when she grows up. I know that’s silly, but I don’t tell her. I’m old enough to know that you don’t tell anyone their dreams are silly.

I’m also old enough to know more than Mom thinks I know. I can see her eyes now in the rearview mirror. The white parts of her eyes are kind of pink, and shiny. Her eyelids are puffy, too, and there are little dents above her eyebrows. I know that means she’s worried, ’cause that’s what her eyebrows do when Daddy’s late for supper.

Today supper got cold while we waited for him. He never came… the hospital called instead.

Mom says everything will be okay… but I know better.

My finger traces the happy seahorses, and I’m trying not to shiver.

Photo by Sinitta Leunen on Unsplash

Happy Thursday, all! I’m here to flood your day with good music.:)

I love the music that comes in and offers just the encouragement, conviction, or wisdom I need to hear at just the perfect time. Today I’d like to share with you some of the songs that blessed me in 2020… mostly ordered chronologically.:) I’ve linked each of the song titles to a YouTube video so you can go listen right away!

Living Hope – Phil Wickham

Hallelujah, praise the One who set me free
Hallelujah, death has lost its grip on me
You have broken every chain
There’s salvation in Your name
Jesus Christ, my living hope

Broken every chain… such a beautiful reminder! One of my favorite things about this song is the reminder that I don’t have to fear death, or be chained by sin or my past… Jesus has paid it all and made me free to serve Him.

This is What We Live For – Big Daddy Weave

Chasing Your heart
And all that You are
We surrender
Surrender all

It’s so easy for my perspective to get clouded by all the activity and things that are swirling around me… even by the good things like family, youth group, and writing. Ultimately, I’m involved in all of those things for God and His glory, and I love how this song reminds me of that.

Love God, Love People – Danny Gokey

Gotta keep it real simple, keep it real simple
Bring everything right back to ground zero
‘Cause it all comes down to this
Love God and love people

This came on the radio shortly before graduation… aka one of the most stressful seasons of my life thus far.:) The reminder that Christianity really is this simple was a breath of fresh air that I so desperately needed.

You Already Know – JJ Heller

I can’t seem to find the easy answers
Someday I hope the suffering makes sense
I just need to know that You are with me
Even if You keep me in suspense
We talk so much these days
Because I have so much to say
You stay and listen to me closely even though

You already know

This song jumped into my life at one of the most turbulent points of 2020 for me. I remember sitting there in the car after hearing it on the radio, wondering how this song, written by someone who didn’t even know me, could so perfectly describe my emotions in that moment. Not only are the words so solid, but JJ Heller’s voice and this arrangement are so lovely.

Desert Song – Hillsong Worship

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

That snippet of the song says it all.:)

Be Thou My Vision

Thou and Thou only be first in my heart
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art

I’ve basically taken this one as the theme song for my life.:) The lyrics are so solid and beautiful, and the reminder that God has to be first in my heart is one I need each and every day.

Different – Micah Tyler

I don’t need to recognize the man in the mirror
And I don’t wanna trade Your plan for something familiar
I can’t waste a day, I can’t stay the same

After graduating from high school last summer, I took off down a rather unconventional path… and quite honestly, that’s been hard. Even though I love where I am, it can be difficult to have to do a lot of explaining when people ask what I’m up to.:) This song reminds me that if I’m different because I’m pursuing the Lord, it’s totally okay to be different.

Amen – I Am They

Amen, let Your kingdom come
Amen, let Your will be done
And through the rise and fall
You’re God above it all

I don’t think I need to explain to anyone how life felt like it was spiraling out of control in 2020.:) It was spiraling out of my control… but certainly not God’s. This song is a beautiful reminder of that.

Were there any songs that spoke to your heart in 2020?

Yes, yes, yes! My novel-in-progress is fleshing out… and it now weighs in at over 25,000 words/17+ chapters!!!

I can hardly believe it…

I should be bouncing off the walls, right? Yet somehow my brain remains in a state of dazed paralysis. Yes, I have written over 25,000 words… but I have at least another 25,000 to go. And then the editing stage. Oh, help. My little girl idea of “Yes, I’ll be a writer because I love to write and I see so many benefits to the writing life” has had a rather rude awakening. Actually forcing yourself to write when you don’t feel like it is part of this deal?

Haha… you dear ignorant little girl.:)

So… you might be wondering about this novel-in-progress. What it’s about, why I haven’t talked about it very much…

The reason I’ve kept (mostly) quiet about it recently is because I don’t plan to publish it in the near future. I want to write a novel or two and get some experience with the whole novel-writing process before I attempt to publish one. I don’t want to be talking about my novel all the time on here, making you think that I’m prepping for publication, only to remain unpublished for years.

But…

If you would like, I can share a little bit about this project… with the understanding that it definitely won’t be hitting the bookshelves anytime soon.:) If you’re interested in hearing about what’s been going on with my novel-in-progress, let me know… and I would love to share some juicy tidbits with you.:)

-Laurel